Hope

Right now, at this moment, I'm filled with hope. It's inexplicable, as far as I can see. I'm short on sleep, nothing especially exciting is going on at work, and I'm at a loss of what to do in many areas of my life. And yet, right now, I can't help but be hopeful.

Hope that people can change, that their lives will be transformed by Jesus. Hope for the broken, the depressed, the lost and the adrift. Hope that life is not in vain, and that ultimately, it's good that wins. Hope that whatever is my purpose on this here earth, someone will be better off for it.

This hope- it's mixed with anticipation. Like the feeling of waiting for a letter in the mail from someone you love and that you know loves you. Like the assurance that your friends will be there for you no matter what. Like the awakening that is spring after a chilling winter.

Why is it that waiting is so often discouraging rather than exciting? When longing crosses over into that state where you think you just can't go on unless certain things come into place? I wish it were more often an attitude of hopefulness. I guess that's why it's a choice, like love- the feeling itself is fleeting. Aye, there's the rub, isn't it...

Life is a struggle, isn't it? A struggle against the easy route, to choose what you know is the best even if you're so tired you don't think you can choose it every time. A fight to find the balance between being in control and giving up control. Some days I feel like a small child, others like an old person.

It's funny how we're constantly learning about ourselves. I hear, from people much older than me, that this never stops. For instance, I am learning that some people can go through life without having to dig too deeply through the upper crust; they cope without getting too twisted up in the big questions or the what-ifs. On my part, I don't do well to stuff down my inquisitive side. I need to ask those questions, even when it hurts, and even though I don't know why I'm needing to ask them, half the time. It's not even that I get answers necessarily. It's the asking that's important for some reason. Hmm. No wonder I drove my parents batty as a child!

Phew, self-examination/self-awareness is tiring! A la prochaine, mes amis!