I'm eating blueberries right now and it is one of my favourite things about this time of year. I guess technically they're not in season anymore but I am trying to eat more seasonally with my produce in general. It's tough because I love to have berries all summer long and they're not all in season all summer long, oh well. They sure are tasty.
This past weekend, I had the pleasure of attending the wedding of my dear friend Lisa to Zach. He's a good guy and she's one in a million so it was wonderful to share in their day and get to see some acquaintances in the family and friends. I had Friday off, and my friend Megan and I took the Greyhound to the city where the wedding was held, and got to have a good visit together, and our friend Laura met up with us there, we three shared a hotel room. We hadn't all been together since early May, so it was lovely to catch up. The three of us plus Lisa have been getting together for pre-church breakfasts for the last few years and got closer through leading/participating in a small group together. I'm so happy for Zach & Lisa, and the wedding was absolutely beautiful, but it's sad too because they're living overseas in the fall, Megan's going to Alberta for school, and Laura moved to Ottawa, so it's just me still here once fall rolls around. I can't be too sad, though, because these are the friendships forged through some pretty significant events of life, and I'm so thankful for them. I hope we're able to keep in touch and visit and stay close, even if it's not the same. Sigh.
Photos soon to come, of the wedding...
Saturday, my roommate and friends had book club and that was a lot of fun, then Sunday I had three soccer games in the afternoon, with biking to and fro and between games. I'm sore from head to toe now, especially after bashing the back of the head on the dryer door too (don't ask me how I managed that one). Luckily, our team captain had us to her house between games and she has a pool :) It was just the thing. I got one goal, which isn't too bad since I'm usually not that great a shot for being a forward, haha. My team puts up with me because I can run fast up the wing even if I don't get that ball in the net too often ;)
So far, I haven't heard about the job interview and haven't fully made a decision in regards to studies sooo I guess you'll have to be in suspense along with me, sorry :)
My friend's brother opened a Parisien pastry shop and crêperie, and it's opening today, so I'm going to pop by after work, I've been anxiously awaiting this:) We'll see what kind of treats they sell, pretty sure I'll have to save up a while to buy anything and bike a lot to work it off, just kidding.
Next up, I have to figure out what to do for my birthday in a week and a half. I was thinking of seeing a play in Stratford but I did that last year and want to think of something different and inexpensive. Well, I do have slightly expensive taste but not the means to match it :) I'm thinking of rounding up a bunch of friends even if they don't know each other, and having a picnic in the park, what do you think? Or maybe go for drinks on a patio somewhere but they're often so loud, and I am getting one year older (and crankier), hahah.
Well, I guess I don't have as much to say as I thought, but I'll keep you posted!
~Adios!~
Monday, June 27, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Choices
Choices. They're what sets us apart from each other. They set us on one path instead of another. They bring out the intrinsic differences between human beings.
The other day, while stewing about the myriad of decisions I need to make right away, each of them affecting the other in ways I can't reverse. Being rather indecisive, I have a tendency to want to keep my options open, and this is not a conducive trait to making the big decisions with confidence.
However, in the midst of getting caught in the cycle of worrying that I'm going to ruin my life in three easy steps, it struck me that even one of these choices is a tremendous privilege. Things like what kind of job to have, what to study, where to live and with whom- how many people, by their circumstances, have very little choice in their own lives? How many women across the world have a limited (if any) access to education of any kind, and here I am complaining about how difficult it is to choose between all of the options before me?
Suffice it to say, I've been feeling humbled ever since, and that thought has stayed with me. I love reading and literacy and languages, and take the gift of literacy for granted every single day. It's something so minor in our culture, it's expected in "civilized" circles, if we can even use such a word in self-depracation, and yet it can be the difference between poverty and opportunity, to state it in a basic way.
So, as I attempt to hurdle what insists be addressed, I will choose to view this stage of life and these few weeks with gratitude, and try to remember that one decision, while having its effects, does not necessarily sway the balance in terms of the rest of my life. Well, as I say that, I'm aware that just one detail has the potential to do just that, but as far as is in my means, my job is to rely on God with this and forge on ahead rather than run away to live in a cave somewhere.
It's funny how everything seems to be linked in some way and I just want to figure it all out right this second, but life rarely works out that way, does it? I have an idea of the end goal, but it will be interesting how exactly to get there.
Just wanted to share what's been on my mind! Thanks for your support, my friends:)
The other day, while stewing about the myriad of decisions I need to make right away, each of them affecting the other in ways I can't reverse. Being rather indecisive, I have a tendency to want to keep my options open, and this is not a conducive trait to making the big decisions with confidence.
However, in the midst of getting caught in the cycle of worrying that I'm going to ruin my life in three easy steps, it struck me that even one of these choices is a tremendous privilege. Things like what kind of job to have, what to study, where to live and with whom- how many people, by their circumstances, have very little choice in their own lives? How many women across the world have a limited (if any) access to education of any kind, and here I am complaining about how difficult it is to choose between all of the options before me?
Suffice it to say, I've been feeling humbled ever since, and that thought has stayed with me. I love reading and literacy and languages, and take the gift of literacy for granted every single day. It's something so minor in our culture, it's expected in "civilized" circles, if we can even use such a word in self-depracation, and yet it can be the difference between poverty and opportunity, to state it in a basic way.
So, as I attempt to hurdle what insists be addressed, I will choose to view this stage of life and these few weeks with gratitude, and try to remember that one decision, while having its effects, does not necessarily sway the balance in terms of the rest of my life. Well, as I say that, I'm aware that just one detail has the potential to do just that, but as far as is in my means, my job is to rely on God with this and forge on ahead rather than run away to live in a cave somewhere.
It's funny how everything seems to be linked in some way and I just want to figure it all out right this second, but life rarely works out that way, does it? I have an idea of the end goal, but it will be interesting how exactly to get there.
Just wanted to share what's been on my mind! Thanks for your support, my friends:)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Photo post!
Liz and I at a state park near their house
Meet Ralph! Poodle pup extraordinaire! :)
Liz and Jeremy redid this wall, it used to be pink brick and looks great now- if you look closely you can see hard work and sweat and blood and tears etched in, heheh
Vegetarian shepherd's pie made with lots of kale and horseradish, and the requisite sweet tea
Jeremy's '68 Mustang, I couldn't resist getting a photo with it
A classic "birthday-Liz" expression:)
Looking cheesy at dinner
Awwww :) Liz and Jeremy
I know it's not a good photo but I love this one, for the laughter
Now looking over-exposed- darn camera, can't win
Goodbye at the airport :( We were actually really bummed but tried to look cheerful.
Not related to my trip at all, but I couldn't pass up these fiddleheads at the market and man, were they tasty
Thanks for stopping by, feel free to comment:) Ciao.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
C'est la vie...
What a mixed-up few weeks it's been. I'm not as stressed as I imagined I would be by now, so that is definitely something to be thankful for! I feel as though I ought to be a bit more worried about all the things that are up in the air, but there's no use barking up that tree for very long :)
Two weeks ago - has it been that long? - I flew to visit Liz Jeremy in Ohhhhh-kla-ho-ma! Haha. It's funny how you don't realize how much you miss someone until you see them again then have to leave. Darn it. Mind you, it's much easier to be the one leaving than the one left, don't you find? Liz and I were a couple of dweebs in the airport when she dropped me off to go, saying goodbye a whole bunch of times and of course I insisted on a few extra hugs :) We had a lovely visit, and I'll post photos; be warned, though, I didn't really see the sights or anything, it's mostly Liz, the puppy, and food ;) Not atypical of my subject matter. My camera is not that great so it's the excuse I fall back on, although it's kind of a weak one.
We had some great chats, food, laughs, you know, the normal sister stuff. Lucky for me, Liz is back on coffee and theirs was great:) It helps having fancy appliances that people get you for your wedding, heheh ;) Just kidding, Liz. I bonded more with my brother-in-law, Jeremy, now that I get his sense of humour- I think we both didn't quite get each other at the start but I sure like him, he's a keeper. It was cool to see them in their house, a bit more settled and in their own space. Hopefully we'll see them in Canada for a visit soon!
Soccer season has finally started here, and, to make up for all the lost playing time, the league decided to smush a bunch of games together the first few weekends. Since I'm playing on two different teams to begin with, this has meant one game on Friday and three on Sunday, last week and this week, plus once-a-week ultimate games. If you add on to that the fact that I biked to many of those games and to work, it's a lot in a short time and I am realizing that I'm not fifteen anymore. Or, for that matter, twenty...you get the idea ;) Biking home between games today, it occurred to me that working out this much is a surefire way either to get in shape really fast, or to die trying, or to injure yourself really nicely in the attempt. Or some combination of those things, hahah. Oh boy. I choose to believe I'm getting into killer shape. Yesterday I had also a 5k for a friend's sister-in-law, which was rather grueling, and I also biked there and back. Oy.
Okay, enough about me whining about physical activity ;) I'm truly grateful to have the ability to bike where I need to go, and to participate in so many sports activities. Without those, I'd need some major outlets to blow off steam, probably. Not that I'm an angry person, but it's a good way to use energy, wouldn't you say?
So. This is turning out to be what I hope will be a week of answers. I have a job interview coming up- nervous!- and this would take me in one direction. I'm also hoping to find out some concrete information about education, as it's getting down to crunch time and I need to know a few things before I can make all the other subsequent decisions that hinge upon it. Ha! Probably I needed high blood pressure at this time, heheh. Anyways, much of it is out of my hands but that won't keep me from pounding at those doors until I know what to expect. Those folks are going to love hearing from me, the squeaky wheel.
I'll keep you posted on all that!
The writing is going rather haltingly, when it's happening at all...I seem to be suffering from tremendous writer's block and feelings of intimidation when faced with all the terrific writers and writings out there. I ought to be inspired, not downtrodden...it will pick up, but there's no formula to it, I'm finding; no magical way of setting the stage so the story will present itself. It's different every time. I'm supposed to submit some pages to my writing mentor and I'm cringing at the thought, as to what she will think, but that shouldn't deter me. And it won't, ultimately. I just have to wrestle the "no" monster (whatever that means...is that an expression?).
Recently, I was inspired to do some sorting and cleaning and such, and, as a treat, organized all the books in my bookshelf. Yes, I know, I'm a nerd, that sort of thing is really exciting to me ;) It's now in non-fiction, adult fiction, children/young adult fiction (novels) and picture books. You've no idea how satisfying it is for me to survey this wonderful shelf and I just feel like having people over and showing them each title. Aren't you glad most of you that read this live far away ;)
Next, I will be cataloguing them somehow, which I'm greatly looking forward to. I'm going to try to note down where each book came from, because with each one, there is a story, and that's half the charm, I find.
Does anyone else have these odd kind of habits they enjoy? If so, please do share, so we can revel in our oddities together ;)
I'd love love love to go camping this summer, but it seems you have to plan these things ahead and I have no such plans as of yet. That will have to change, evidently ;) Summer is for camping, it's as simple as that. It must happen at least once, even if I have to pitch a tent in my parents' backyard like when were were kids, although hopefully it doesn't come to that.
In other news, I'm off to have an epsom salt bath to soak my aching body. Second one in two days, I swear by them.
Photos to follow! Once my camera batteries charge! Alert the masses!
~Cheerio~
Two weeks ago - has it been that long? - I flew to visit Liz Jeremy in Ohhhhh-kla-ho-ma! Haha. It's funny how you don't realize how much you miss someone until you see them again then have to leave. Darn it. Mind you, it's much easier to be the one leaving than the one left, don't you find? Liz and I were a couple of dweebs in the airport when she dropped me off to go, saying goodbye a whole bunch of times and of course I insisted on a few extra hugs :) We had a lovely visit, and I'll post photos; be warned, though, I didn't really see the sights or anything, it's mostly Liz, the puppy, and food ;) Not atypical of my subject matter. My camera is not that great so it's the excuse I fall back on, although it's kind of a weak one.
We had some great chats, food, laughs, you know, the normal sister stuff. Lucky for me, Liz is back on coffee and theirs was great:) It helps having fancy appliances that people get you for your wedding, heheh ;) Just kidding, Liz. I bonded more with my brother-in-law, Jeremy, now that I get his sense of humour- I think we both didn't quite get each other at the start but I sure like him, he's a keeper. It was cool to see them in their house, a bit more settled and in their own space. Hopefully we'll see them in Canada for a visit soon!
Soccer season has finally started here, and, to make up for all the lost playing time, the league decided to smush a bunch of games together the first few weekends. Since I'm playing on two different teams to begin with, this has meant one game on Friday and three on Sunday, last week and this week, plus once-a-week ultimate games. If you add on to that the fact that I biked to many of those games and to work, it's a lot in a short time and I am realizing that I'm not fifteen anymore. Or, for that matter, twenty...you get the idea ;) Biking home between games today, it occurred to me that working out this much is a surefire way either to get in shape really fast, or to die trying, or to injure yourself really nicely in the attempt. Or some combination of those things, hahah. Oh boy. I choose to believe I'm getting into killer shape. Yesterday I had also a 5k for a friend's sister-in-law, which was rather grueling, and I also biked there and back. Oy.
Okay, enough about me whining about physical activity ;) I'm truly grateful to have the ability to bike where I need to go, and to participate in so many sports activities. Without those, I'd need some major outlets to blow off steam, probably. Not that I'm an angry person, but it's a good way to use energy, wouldn't you say?
So. This is turning out to be what I hope will be a week of answers. I have a job interview coming up- nervous!- and this would take me in one direction. I'm also hoping to find out some concrete information about education, as it's getting down to crunch time and I need to know a few things before I can make all the other subsequent decisions that hinge upon it. Ha! Probably I needed high blood pressure at this time, heheh. Anyways, much of it is out of my hands but that won't keep me from pounding at those doors until I know what to expect. Those folks are going to love hearing from me, the squeaky wheel.
I'll keep you posted on all that!
The writing is going rather haltingly, when it's happening at all...I seem to be suffering from tremendous writer's block and feelings of intimidation when faced with all the terrific writers and writings out there. I ought to be inspired, not downtrodden...it will pick up, but there's no formula to it, I'm finding; no magical way of setting the stage so the story will present itself. It's different every time. I'm supposed to submit some pages to my writing mentor and I'm cringing at the thought, as to what she will think, but that shouldn't deter me. And it won't, ultimately. I just have to wrestle the "no" monster (whatever that means...is that an expression?).
Recently, I was inspired to do some sorting and cleaning and such, and, as a treat, organized all the books in my bookshelf. Yes, I know, I'm a nerd, that sort of thing is really exciting to me ;) It's now in non-fiction, adult fiction, children/young adult fiction (novels) and picture books. You've no idea how satisfying it is for me to survey this wonderful shelf and I just feel like having people over and showing them each title. Aren't you glad most of you that read this live far away ;)
Next, I will be cataloguing them somehow, which I'm greatly looking forward to. I'm going to try to note down where each book came from, because with each one, there is a story, and that's half the charm, I find.
Does anyone else have these odd kind of habits they enjoy? If so, please do share, so we can revel in our oddities together ;)
I'd love love love to go camping this summer, but it seems you have to plan these things ahead and I have no such plans as of yet. That will have to change, evidently ;) Summer is for camping, it's as simple as that. It must happen at least once, even if I have to pitch a tent in my parents' backyard like when were were kids, although hopefully it doesn't come to that.
In other news, I'm off to have an epsom salt bath to soak my aching body. Second one in two days, I swear by them.
Photos to follow! Once my camera batteries charge! Alert the masses!
~Cheerio~
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
tra la la
...I didn't know what to title my post today :)
It's been a crazy couple of weeks again. On Friday and Saturday I went to the visitation and celebration of life for the dad of two of my friends, they're a family from my church. It was moving to hear how profoundly he touched so many lives and what a wonderful dad and husband he was, but it breaks my heart that these girls don't have their dad anymore. I can't seem to get past that. I think that must be so difficult at any age.
There's been a lot of last-minute communication with different schools- now I just wait to see where I get in, and what kind of transfer credit they can give me- yikes! I'm nervous to go back to school, as I have a hard time scheduling my time as it is, let alone when it comes to making studying a priority, but I need to get good marks if I want to apply for a master's after, so hopefully that will keep me going. That said, I have caught the travel bug really strongly, probably because it's not an option for me at the moment, haha. That's okay, at the end of the month I'm hoping to visit Liz in Oklahoma, which will be an adventure in itself, I'm sure. I'm looking forward to seeing her, since I haven't seen her since the wedding in December, briefly, and before that, since September when she moved.
After that, I need to save all my pennies for studies :)
My little brother Ben is planning to move here in the fall to attend college, he's accepted into a one-year program related to aviation that he's really excited about. It's hard to believe he's old enough to be on his own, although he has been for a couple years, hehe. Plus my little sister is looking into universities, and is graduating this year...how did these kids grow up so fast? I know that's what people tend to say about their kids, not their sibs, but I guess since I'm only home a few times a year, I can see the changes more drastically.
That reminds me- I still have to post photos from Easter...
Spring is finally here, and with it, warm winds and sunshine, and it's incredible what a difference that makes. I think it's the smell in the air that does it, you know?
Does anyone have plans for Victoria Day (if you have that holiday)?
It's been a crazy couple of weeks again. On Friday and Saturday I went to the visitation and celebration of life for the dad of two of my friends, they're a family from my church. It was moving to hear how profoundly he touched so many lives and what a wonderful dad and husband he was, but it breaks my heart that these girls don't have their dad anymore. I can't seem to get past that. I think that must be so difficult at any age.
There's been a lot of last-minute communication with different schools- now I just wait to see where I get in, and what kind of transfer credit they can give me- yikes! I'm nervous to go back to school, as I have a hard time scheduling my time as it is, let alone when it comes to making studying a priority, but I need to get good marks if I want to apply for a master's after, so hopefully that will keep me going. That said, I have caught the travel bug really strongly, probably because it's not an option for me at the moment, haha. That's okay, at the end of the month I'm hoping to visit Liz in Oklahoma, which will be an adventure in itself, I'm sure. I'm looking forward to seeing her, since I haven't seen her since the wedding in December, briefly, and before that, since September when she moved.
After that, I need to save all my pennies for studies :)
My little brother Ben is planning to move here in the fall to attend college, he's accepted into a one-year program related to aviation that he's really excited about. It's hard to believe he's old enough to be on his own, although he has been for a couple years, hehe. Plus my little sister is looking into universities, and is graduating this year...how did these kids grow up so fast? I know that's what people tend to say about their kids, not their sibs, but I guess since I'm only home a few times a year, I can see the changes more drastically.
That reminds me- I still have to post photos from Easter...
Spring is finally here, and with it, warm winds and sunshine, and it's incredible what a difference that makes. I think it's the smell in the air that does it, you know?
Does anyone have plans for Victoria Day (if you have that holiday)?
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
What do you think?
Hey, do you like my new blog layout? It's long overdue and I've been enjoying how other people have revamped their blogs, so it was time :)
Tonight, I'm hoping to attend a workshop at the library about urban agriculture and growing gardens in the city so you can grow food for your family. I'm excited for it because it will show how even in the city you can use the space you have to grow food, and one of my goals this year is a) actually grow something edible, b) keep said thing alive, and c) eat or prepare the something. I'm thinking herbs are the least ambitious, but hopefully I'll get some ideas tonight.
My hairdresser told me it's the thing right now to eat avocado for your hair, so I thought, why not, and bought an organic one at the market last time I went. It went mushy really fast but I spread it on some rye bread to make a sandwich for my lunch, with brie, so we'll see how it goes, I'm a little leery as to how those two will go together. I have my side of edamame that I like having at work, yum. My coworker across from me emailed me some vegetarian recipes, including chocolate quinoa crepes, and they look really good. I need more motivation to cook things, and I'm not a very good vegetarian because I don't eat enough beans, grains, etc.
Just now, I signed up for a 10k race on May 1st, which should be interesting since I've been sick for a while and haven't been training at all. I was going to drop down to a 5k but since I'm not signed up for any other races this spring, I think I'll stick with it. It feels weird, usually I do 1-2 half-marathons in the spring, but not this time. Oh well. It will probably be my last race before my birthday- for some reason I always notice that on the registration because it asks how old you are on race day.
I guess that's enough rambling for now. When I'm home, I'm hoping to hit up the local library since they keep getting rid of books when they're not read after one year, and I'm sure I'm missing out on so many good ones, and there's not much I can do about it other than buy the ones I can when I am visiting:) Yes, I know, I'm such a nerd...they're usually kids' books, too...I really need to get more adult fiction for my bookshelf, heheh.
Happy Easter, everyone! Thanks for reading! ...xo...
Tonight, I'm hoping to attend a workshop at the library about urban agriculture and growing gardens in the city so you can grow food for your family. I'm excited for it because it will show how even in the city you can use the space you have to grow food, and one of my goals this year is a) actually grow something edible, b) keep said thing alive, and c) eat or prepare the something. I'm thinking herbs are the least ambitious, but hopefully I'll get some ideas tonight.
My hairdresser told me it's the thing right now to eat avocado for your hair, so I thought, why not, and bought an organic one at the market last time I went. It went mushy really fast but I spread it on some rye bread to make a sandwich for my lunch, with brie, so we'll see how it goes, I'm a little leery as to how those two will go together. I have my side of edamame that I like having at work, yum. My coworker across from me emailed me some vegetarian recipes, including chocolate quinoa crepes, and they look really good. I need more motivation to cook things, and I'm not a very good vegetarian because I don't eat enough beans, grains, etc.
Just now, I signed up for a 10k race on May 1st, which should be interesting since I've been sick for a while and haven't been training at all. I was going to drop down to a 5k but since I'm not signed up for any other races this spring, I think I'll stick with it. It feels weird, usually I do 1-2 half-marathons in the spring, but not this time. Oh well. It will probably be my last race before my birthday- for some reason I always notice that on the registration because it asks how old you are on race day.
I guess that's enough rambling for now. When I'm home, I'm hoping to hit up the local library since they keep getting rid of books when they're not read after one year, and I'm sure I'm missing out on so many good ones, and there's not much I can do about it other than buy the ones I can when I am visiting:) Yes, I know, I'm such a nerd...they're usually kids' books, too...I really need to get more adult fiction for my bookshelf, heheh.
Happy Easter, everyone! Thanks for reading! ...xo...
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Kind of fitting for just before Easter
It's been quite a few weeks. Just when I'm trying to sort out work/school details, life keeps happening...a memorial service/celebration of life, baby shower, poetry workshops, two fundraiser events (MS Walk and CN Tower climb), and I've had a lingering cough on top of everything. There hasn't really been much time or motivation to write...and I don't even have kids or anything...how do people do it?
I need to intentionally scale back some of my social stuff- it's not like I'm tremendously popular but I like to attend different events or activities and have a hard time saying no, and that doesn't tend to go well with studying lots, I hear:)
The lady in my church who died, whose celebration of life I attended on the weekend- it's hard to believe she's gone. I don't think I grieve well, if such a thing is possible- I tend to regress to five-year-old capacity and have a hard time absorbing loss, even if I'm not close to them. I have a number of close friends who have experienced significant loss close to them, and it's not something I can fathom. I don't know what I'd do, and I don't want to think of the possibility. See what I mean about acting like I'm five?
One thing I've noticed is that coming into contact with death makes me want to go visit my family more often, spend time with them, not miss out on anything I'd regret. It's that urge to hold them tighter as if to keep them safe. It's a big part of why I'm seeing my family at Easter, admittedly.
I came across a poem a number of years ago, in Patricia Maclachlan's book, Baby, which pretty much sums up my reaction to death, or expresses it the way I can't. I've returned to it several times because it's so honest, and I'd like to share it here:
Dirge Without Music
Edna St. Vincent Millay
I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains - but the best is lost.
The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
I don't mean that to be depressing, but rather an affirmation of life with all its joys and small moments of beauty. You should read it in context (borrowed, albeit) in Baby; it's a poignant tale told beautifully by one of my favourite authors.
Wishing you a warm rest of the week (come on, Spring!) and a happy Easter with loved ones.
xo.
I need to intentionally scale back some of my social stuff- it's not like I'm tremendously popular but I like to attend different events or activities and have a hard time saying no, and that doesn't tend to go well with studying lots, I hear:)
The lady in my church who died, whose celebration of life I attended on the weekend- it's hard to believe she's gone. I don't think I grieve well, if such a thing is possible- I tend to regress to five-year-old capacity and have a hard time absorbing loss, even if I'm not close to them. I have a number of close friends who have experienced significant loss close to them, and it's not something I can fathom. I don't know what I'd do, and I don't want to think of the possibility. See what I mean about acting like I'm five?
One thing I've noticed is that coming into contact with death makes me want to go visit my family more often, spend time with them, not miss out on anything I'd regret. It's that urge to hold them tighter as if to keep them safe. It's a big part of why I'm seeing my family at Easter, admittedly.
I came across a poem a number of years ago, in Patricia Maclachlan's book, Baby, which pretty much sums up my reaction to death, or expresses it the way I can't. I've returned to it several times because it's so honest, and I'd like to share it here:
Dirge Without Music
Edna St. Vincent Millay
I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains - but the best is lost.
The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
I don't mean that to be depressing, but rather an affirmation of life with all its joys and small moments of beauty. You should read it in context (borrowed, albeit) in Baby; it's a poignant tale told beautifully by one of my favourite authors.
Wishing you a warm rest of the week (come on, Spring!) and a happy Easter with loved ones.
xo.
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